My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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