I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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