My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
