you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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