My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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