i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
