i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
