I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
