This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
