I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
