I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
