I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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