"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize