life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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