At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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