The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
