i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
