i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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