Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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