I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
