What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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