Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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