What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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