This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
