Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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