Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
