my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
