I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
