allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
