i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
