there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
