I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
