he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
