As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He shit in the fireplace
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
