I just threw up on my dentist
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
