Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
