Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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