I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
