she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
