are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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