his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
