my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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