I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Who died my cat blue again?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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