Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
