i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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