so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
