I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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