I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
