So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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