The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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