Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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