I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
