Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
