i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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