so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
