Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
