Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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