my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
