The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
