smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
