Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
