Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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