I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
