Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
