I only kidnapped one of them. chill
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
