You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
