Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
