it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
