I didn't shave. On purpose
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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