I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize