this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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