I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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