Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
