We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
