You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
