if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
